3 Nov 2010

Dad is doing OK but not great but you know, as he said himself yesterday, one step forward and two steps back.

This is going to sound really selfish but I am just so tired of thinking about Dad and thinking about Mum all the time.
Every waking moment and half the night is filled with thoughts of them, not worry but constant thinking.
My brain is submerged in this Dad filled moment. 
I am so tired.
I can't imagine how they are both feeling.

I feel as though my life has been hijacked.
I am not angry, or bitter about it.
I just feel as though I was going along a certain train line, the one marked 'Jenny's life' and then somehow my carriage jumped to another track and there is no destination in sight. 
All I know is that it is exhausting.

So, today I am not going into the hospital until the late afternoon.
I am going to get the washing done and do some housework.
I am going to look after Kate because she is home sick.
I am going to make dolls.
I may even write a normal blog post.
I am going to take a rest from my 'daughter of  sick Dad' role and just be me for a little while.
And all the while I will try not to feel guilty because Dad and Mum can't take a rest at all.

19 Responses to “ ”

  1. completely understandable. You need to look after yourself and your immediate family as well as your parents. The balance is very hard sometimes. Just know that you're doing fine; honest. <>


  2. I know how you are feeling Jenny but you have to remain the strong one so you must take the time you need. One minute your'e the daughter and the next it feels as if your parents are the children and you're suddenly in charge. I found getting out of the house and going somewhere (even the supermarket) just gave some light relief from the constant worry and 'what ifs' that churn in the brain. Take care. Eli x

  3. One of the hardest things about life, sometimes, is that it demands we go on when we rather feel like we are duty-bound to stop and hover in one spot.

    Whilst your parents' circumstances impact upon you and the rest of your family greatly, their life is not your own and a balance between the two must be somehow found. Enjoy your morning of 'normal'.

  4. Perhaps I mentioned it earlier, but when my father was very ill a few years ago, I found myself in a situation which seems to be similar to where you are now. I had the same feelings you are having (I still do, as he and my mom were not able to resume a life which resembled their lives before dad's illness). It is work to settle the thinking and the guilt. Please, take good care.

  5. It is a really hard time right now. Carving out some time for yourself is not selfish; it will help you be strong and keep your sanity. Take care.


  6. I've been where you are right now. The most important and what your parents would want is for you to take care of yourself first. Even if it isn't what they would want it is what you do. :)
    If not....high blood pressure, then a gimpy leg, thyroid problems and the list goes on. You are the only you that you have. You love them and have made sure things are as good as they can be. That is the very best you can do. Try to feel confident that you have done your best and desperately need rest.

  7. blessed is the woman who knows her limits.

    cheers Kate

  8. Very wise Jenny. They both need you and you need to take care of yourself to be there for them.

  9. I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time Jenny. It's truly hard to watch a parent suffer, when we remember them so well as the strong, invincible beings of our childhood.

    love and hugs,


  10. Do rest little jenny wren....it really is the right and best thing to do. I love you, and I'm think...think...thinking of you, and praying. I de-activated my FB account for a bit, to catch *my* breath, just so you know where I've gone...
    xo Jewels

  11. In times of stress sometimes things come to a head and you have to step back a little to restore your spirit. It's hard to try to give comfort to your loved ones when you're in need of a little nurturing yourself.
    Eve x

  12. Jenny, you are absolutely entitled to and MUST take a break! Especially for your daughter! There is a time in life where the roles reverse and we become our parents' caretakers, whether it's for a day, a week, or a lifetime. So, while it may be your time to take care of your Mom and Dad, remember there is help out there, just look for it. While your Dad is still in the hospital, there's not too much you can do, really. Best to visit for a short time each day, or even every other day, and then regroup until you are yourself again. DON'T FEEL GUILTY - it does not do you or anyone else any good. I have been through this with my family - can you take turns with anyone? Above all, take time for JENNY! And keep making your wonderful dollies! Take care, Wendy wpmk91@aol.com

  13. Jenny, you are living MY life! singing my song! I said almost the very same exact words. I just had to give myself permission not to fall apart and get back to normal as much as possible while all of this unfolds. Some days are harder than others. I am thinking of you!

  14. I send the warmest of hugs to you, dear Jenny. I'm sure your mother appreciates your strength and support. Strokes can be such a devastation and I'm guessing your dad will be confused and scared. I wish him a full recovery. Hanno had a mid strength stroke about 10 years ago and has fully recovered.

    Take care. ♥

  15. You need to look after yourself IN ORDER to be able to CONTINUE being such a wonderfully supportive and caring daughter. Looking after yourself will invariably involve taking time out from the immediacy of your father's situation. Please take care of yourself. Thinking of you and sending warm wishes. Tracy :-)

  16. Jenny....yes, please do take care of yourself. You will not be able to help if you yourself are made ill through stress. My dad lost his battle with cancer a few months ago, and it turned my family and my brother's family upside down. At the end of the day, we could only do so much, and we had to let the medical professionals do their job. Don't feel guilty.

    Anna Marie

  17. wish you peace as you rest. And for your parents. I can see that this is a hard time for you all.


Thanks so much for taking the time to chat. I don't always have time to reply but I do read every message you leave.